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A Woman Alive

June 14th, 2013
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The Hero’s Song

By Diane

I wrote this poem at a moment when I recognized that by trying to hide pieces of myself I was not fully alive and more importantly not fully available for the important relationships in my life.  When I expose all of myself to others the parts I was trying to hide disappear altogether and my relationships thrive.

I wonder why on many days the days of anger strife and angst
When I am expecting assuming demanding whining
Noticing only what I want no distinction between that and what I need
focus on
the blame the shame the guilt

My hero flew in one night
No cape no sword no rescue well maybe a bit of that
We talked for hours the bar the booze but leaning close
He touched me there in the end against a wall

It hurt because I wanted to consume all of him right there forever always
Make him my joy my life my being to crawl back into another’s shadow to hide be in my existence
staying small playing small
the blame the shame the guilt

He pushed he pulled he showed up
He cared he held my hand he let me laugh again asked me to come out and play
He wondered where and why I hid
We loved we laughed we fought we hurt

I have struggled so much to understand why I can not let go of the should the could the desire to have the picture look the same as mediocre
Why do I not remember how much worse it is to feel loneliness in a crowded room then to be alone hugging holding the joy of my own contentment smile life place love friend art color beauty

When I hold him now I let go
I take in the feel the smell the weight the moment the perfection now of being
I grow tall find my voice feel alone and hold there suspended learning to understand myself fully for the first time
knowing loving holding
the blame the shame the guilt

My hero pushed me off the cliff let me soar find my wings loved me even though I clung cried hurt
He rescued me from myself is perfect in his imperfection taught me truly love unconditional vulnerability truth seek find feel free to fall
Stand up work hard play hard love hard fight hard live hard
Life is muddy
Life is grand worth grabbing

My hero I love him
He wrapped himself around me exposing everything
together vanquished
the blame the shame the guilt

Leaving only my love my voice my heart my joy my life set free
released
the blame the shame the guilt

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